Sunday, February 6, 2011

i just have to mention these dreams i had this morning. i read something recently that totally trashed dreams and gave people who talk about them a hard time, but i don't care. my dreams are extremely vivid now, and detailed, and realistic, full of feeling and life. so much so that they can be very tough to distinguish from reality. anyway, this morning i got a whole bunch of things that i wanted, sorted out, in my sleep. so i woke up pretty happy, even if, as the day went on, i slowly realized none of it actually happened. it was small stuff, like that my sister had talked to my dad for me and saved me the conversation. mostly it was just a feeling. i guess the main thing i remember though is the drowning. there was a pretty convoluted preamble, some kind of war and sneaking around and stealing an ethernet cable, and some dude. can't place him anymore, though. anyway, the ending! somehow we're on a boat. probably trying to get away from the bad guys. but it's war, so clearly there's some kind of storm or explosion that creates this massive wave. and there's other people on the boat, too. i see the wave. i think, this is it, i am going to die. i am calm. the wave hits and i think, don't breathe, there's nothing there. but there is, somehow there's a moment where there is a pocket of air, a second chance, but it's just people screaming and the waves. so i take a second breath, and think again, this is the last one, after this i'm going to die. and the wave closes in and the pocket of screams is gone and only the water is left, and i'm holding my breath (which i'm not very good at), in my bed, knowing that there's only water around me. i hold it for as long as i can, until it hurts. and then a final time, i calmly accept that the next breath i take will fill my lungs with salt water, and then i'll be dead. so i unclench my throat and get ready for what's next. except instead of dying, i'm shocked to find that there IS air in front of me and i wake up.

death is easy, peaceful. 
life is harder.

i spent the entire day by myself shopping.