mad world

I find it kind of funny that lately i've been remembering good things about someone I once convinced myself I didn't care about all that much. it may be the time of year, when he spoiled me the most, or it may just be that I've realized the truth after all this time. I'd be disappointed if it was the first. what is the statute of limitations on throwing yourself onto old flames? and what is the protocol regarding apologies when there is nothing you can do to undo what you've done?

I miss you most at christmastime, and wish you knew all the things I thought I could never say.

No one knows where the ladder goes
You're gonna lose what you love the most
You're not alone in anything
You're not unique in dyin'.

It's strange to know every now and then
Fall asleep reading science fiction

I wanna fly in your silver ships!
Let Jesus hang, and Buddha sit

It's on now
The days are long now
The ups and the sundowns, and the twisted minds

If i've got to go first, i'll do it on my terms
I'm tired of the traitors, always changing sides

They were friends of mine.


Don't hang around once the promise breaks, you'll be there when the next one's made.
Kiss the feet of a charlatan.

Some imagined freedom.

All the rest is predictable.
You can say you're the fist to know.
Bought a mantra to concentrate: Car alarm or hissing snake.

I know now, how it's gonna turn out
You've gotta calm down
Or I'll lose my place

Gotta get to the centre
Gotta get to the concert
Run off with a dancer, gonna celebrate.

Welcome the new age!
covered in warrior paint!
lights from the jungle,
to the sky!

see now a star's born,
looks just like a blood orange!

don't it just make ya, wanna cry?
precious friend of mine.






Will I know when it's finally done?
This whole life's a hallucination.



You're not alone in anything.



You're not alone in trying
to be.

everything... and nothing.

it doesn't matter how close or far, how rude or how charming, how dirty or clean...
seeing that shit eating grin makes me feel like a giddy, smoking-hot eighteen year old.
maybe it's pathetic, but it's the closest thing i have to a time machine and it's better than any drug.

"What would you say if someone asked you about this night?"
"I would say that this was the greatest."

"he was cheating with on her with you? Or cheating on you with her?"
"uhh it's hard to say. i guess both."
"...so he was bi-cheating?"
"yeah, he was bi-cheating."

He moves, you move.

...like magnets.

Lists.

drake. detox. marking. staying up. collecting data. withdrawal. envy. winning. spending. smoking. cleaning. flying. drinking. (chips for dinner?) birthdays. blisters. mud. reflective puddles. moving on. moving forward. moving home. summer. red hair. driving. remixes. do-overs. hair-dos. razors. paint. masks. dry skin. dry laugh. dry wine. dry ice. shitty bars. shitty bands. good friends. hoodies. pockets. snakes. ladders. chutes too narrow. sing me to sleep. late. early. first chair. last call. bliss.

i just have to mention these dreams i had this morning. i read something recently that totally trashed dreams and gave people who talk about them a hard time, but i don't care. my dreams are extremely vivid now, and detailed, and realistic, full of feeling and life. so much so that they can be very tough to distinguish from reality. anyway, this morning i got a whole bunch of things that i wanted, sorted out, in my sleep. so i woke up pretty happy, even if, as the day went on, i slowly realized none of it actually happened. it was small stuff, like that my sister had talked to my dad for me and saved me the conversation. mostly it was just a feeling. i guess the main thing i remember though is the drowning. there was a pretty convoluted preamble, some kind of war and sneaking around and stealing an ethernet cable, and some dude. can't place him anymore, though. anyway, the ending! somehow we're on a boat. probably trying to get away from the bad guys. but it's war, so clearly there's some kind of storm or explosion that creates this massive wave. and there's other people on the boat, too. i see the wave. i think, this is it, i am going to die. i am calm. the wave hits and i think, don't breathe, there's nothing there. but there is, somehow there's a moment where there is a pocket of air, a second chance, but it's just people screaming and the waves. so i take a second breath, and think again, this is the last one, after this i'm going to die. and the wave closes in and the pocket of screams is gone and only the water is left, and i'm holding my breath (which i'm not very good at), in my bed, knowing that there's only water around me. i hold it for as long as i can, until it hurts. and then a final time, i calmly accept that the next breath i take will fill my lungs with salt water, and then i'll be dead. so i unclench my throat and get ready for what's next. except instead of dying, i'm shocked to find that there IS air in front of me and i wake up.

death is easy, peaceful. 
life is harder.

i spent the entire day by myself shopping.